I’ve been putting off this post for a while now purely because I didn’t want to confront my feelings and share something so personal, however the whole point of my ‘Life Update’ series is to let my readers get to know me.
This past Monday, I said goodbye to my partner. He enlisted into the Australian Army and went off to Kapooka (basic training).
Don’t get me wrong, I am extremely excited for him and I’m so proud, but it’s not easy to adjust to a new life without him. I’m used to seeing him almost every second day and now I have to get used to not having him around at all.
I’ve been trying to write this post for a week and I haven’t been able to get the words out. The truth is, I’m not coping very well at the moment. I’ve been suicidal for a few months now and was just hoping that it would go away.
I currently do not take any anti depressants as I hated how they made me feel. More importantly, how they didn’t make me feel anything. I also don’t trust myself to take them as I’ve already tried to commit suicide twice by swallowing all of the anti depressants at once. When I get into that mindset, there’s nothing that can stop me from feeling like there’s no way out. I’m not certain, but I think I turned to swallowing all of those pills just so I could focus on something else instead of how I was feeling emotionally. I just focused on the burn in the back of my throat as I was throwing all of them up.
My partner has left for basic training – now what?
Right now, it’s Sunday. The last time I saw my partner was last Monday. Some people might be reading this and thinking “so what? It’s only been a week.” but the problem is that, I have at least another 7 weeks before I get to see him again (luckily for me, he can come home for christmas) and I’m just trying to get used to having a life without him around. I’ve spent majority of my time crying at home, crying at work, crying in public. Basically just crying everywhere. I’m trying to be strong, but it’s really hard when you’re already struggling mentally and then I have to learn how to cope with this as well. Basic training in the Australian Army is, as far as I know, incredibly mentally and physically challenging. They aren’t allowed to use their phones which makes it a tad harder to cope as you can’t even check in with them and see how they’re doing. I try to remind myself that I’m lucky because I am able to see my friends and family and talk to whoever I want, where as he can’t. What he’s going through is ten times worse than what I am going through.
I was lucky enough to get a phone call from him this morning which made my whole day. It only lasted about ten minutes. I spent majority of the phone call trying to focus on him and how he’s doing so he didn’t have to worry about me. He told me that he hasn’t really had much time to miss me because they go from 6am to about 10pm and I tried to hide how much it hurt to hear that, because I’ve had all of the time in the world to miss him so hearing that he hadn’t even really thought about me was a bit of a kick to the guts. I understand that he’s being kept busy and he’s had different things to focus on but it still hurts.
So this is my life at the moment. Lets hope that during my next Life Update, I’m a little bit happier.
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