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Anxiety and Depression: How they affect my relationship
I spend majority of my time overthinking everything. No matter how hard I try to forget, thoughts involving my relationship are usually what is on my mind. With everything going on right now with him leaving to go to the army, I can’t help but feel abandoned.
I’ve never understood why everyone I love, ALWAYS end up leaving me. What is it that I do that makes them want to leave?
I don’t feel as though I am worthy of love, or just being happy in general. So I try to push them away unknowingly. I use whatever excuse I can to get them to see that I’m a mess and don’t deserve this. And usually, it works. I’m honestly just waiting for the day that I fuck this relationship up too.
I have some pretty common fears when it comes to my relationship, but the only problem is, they don’t leave my head.
I. CAN’T. STOP. THINKING.
And even when I try to reach out to someone, it gets thrown back into my face.
Fear of abandonment
My main fear is being abandoned. And luckily for me, that fear is about to come true. Yippee. Can you imagine what is going through my head right now? It goes a little something like this.
“What did I do wrong?”, “What did I do to deserve this?” and “Is he leaving me because of the way I am?”.
I have always blamed my mental illness for people leaving. Because that is the reason that I get told every single time. So eventually, I end up using it against them. It’s not fair on anyone involved but for some reason I just CAN’T. STOP.
Fear of being cheated on
Being cheated on is, from what I believe, is one of the worst feelings you can ever have. Feeling like you aren’t enough for someone is heartbreaking as it is, but when they go and prove it, it destroys every last bit of self esteem you have left. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
Fear of pushing them away
This one is pretty ironic because I generally end up pushing people away because of my fears. It doesn’t really make sense, does it? That doesn’t matter, because anxiety and depression don’t make sense. I don’t even know why I do what I do half the time. I’ve tried so hard to stop this but once again, I just CAN’T. STOP.
Fear of vulnerability
If there’s one thing I hate more than anything, it’s being vulnerable. The only problem is, the best things come when you are vulnerable (from my experience anyway). I absolutely hate opening up to people. I recently told someone something that not many people know at all, and it didn’t make me feel better. I felt awful because to me, it felt like they didn’t really care anyway. This is where my fear of vulnerability comes into play – I don’t want to open up to someone just to have it thrown back in my face which has been something that happens constantly to me.
If you date someone with a mental illness, please don’t try and pressure them into doing something or being somewhere they don’t want to be. It only makes them resent you. A little bit of patience and understanding goes a long way in helping someone become comfortable, and over time, be vulnerable with you.
And please, don’t promise them you’ll always be there for them if you won’t be. It hurts us more than you’ll ever know.