Living life with Anxiety feels like a cruel nightmare.
I’ve been wanting to create a post like this for a while now. I’ve noticed people think that I’m exaggerating when I explain what it feels like to live life with anxiety and how it affects everything that I do. I can’t force people to understand, but I can at least give them my own experience to aid in their knowledge.
Right at this current moment, I have spent the whole day feeling sorry for myself. I can’t seem to get out of this rut and I haven’t been able to since I found out that my partner was leaving towards the end of October. I’ve always considered myself a relatively independent woman. I can look after myself and finance myself, but when it comes to relationships, it’s like that independence just disappears. I confuse the lines between being vulnerable and sharing what I’ve been through with being dependent on someone. And I’m afraid it’s going to ruin my relationship. This is just one part of anxiety that I haven’t been able to tackle.
How anxiety affects my love life
Anxiety makes me feel like I am insane. If I don’t get a response from someone but can see that they have been online on Facebook, it instantly makes me feel awful and like I have done something wrong. My mind automatically goes to the worst possible conclusion.
If I can sense a slight change of tone or how someone is towards me, it makes me believe that I have done something wrong.
My mind won’t stop racing and being able to handle the thoughts is not something I can do well at all. I crumble and have a panic attack instead.
I scare potential partners off by showing them who I really am behind the fake smile and laughter. Majority of people can’t handle it, which makes me feel worse.
How anxiety affects my work
I don’t handle confrontation well. I never have, and I usually confuse constructive criticism for confrontation. This doesn’t always go well at work, because if I’m being given advice on how I can do my job better, I will generally take it personally. If I take it personally, I don’t work on doing my job better, therefore leaving myself open to more advice, and you can bet that I’ll take that personally too. It’s like a vicious cycle.
How anxiety affects my social life
Social anxiety is a thing, and as much as I would love to be able to say that it doesn’t affect me, I would be lying. Majority of my close friends understand that if I get up and leave without saying a word, I’ve probably just gone to get some fresh air and collect myself. Being around a large group of people makes me uncomfortable, unless alcohol is involved. I’ve always been a relatively shy person unless I know someone. A lot of the time, I have been mistaken for being a bitch, or being self centred purely because I just can’t make conversation with someone I don’t know.
You may also enjoy reading What I wish people knew about Anxiety and Depression and What Bad Days look like for Someone with Anxiety & Depression