Struggling to cope?
Don’t worry, me too. The hardest thing about living with mental illness is feeling like you’re all alone in this.
I promise you’re not.
When I was first diagnosed with depression and anxiety, I googled the absolute shit out of it. I found so many mixed responses and ended up just overwhelming myself even more and crying.. again. For at least the fiftieth time that day. I noticed that google probably wasn’t the best place to look for all the answers that I so desperately wanted.
“Why is my brain fucked up?”
“What did I do to deserve this?”
These were just some of my questions. I think I had at least 20. But in the process of looking for the answers, I found an article from someone talking about their experience and how it affected them. It gave me a chance to mentally prepare. But the only problem was that no one or nothing can prepare you for the extreme loneliness you will end up feeling on a bad day.
What happens on a bad day
Bad days are when you walk into work, someone asks you how you are and you just break. You cry. You hyperventilate. You apologise profusely for having a bad day. It’s when you feel weak for crying and not being able to be strong. You know that you’re strong, but you just don’t feel strong in that moment. And now you feel guilty.
A bad day involves imbalance. You eat too much or you don’t eat at all. You drink too much or you don’t drink at all. You feel too much or you don’t feel at all. It’s when you know that your thoughts are irrational but you can’t fight them. You stress about your relationship. You stress about your job. You stress about everything and nothing can rationalise the thoughts you’re having.
There is a misconception about people having bad days. It’s one of the most annoying things that I have encountered.
“But aren’t you supposed to be stuck in bed, not able to move on a bad day? Why are you still smiling?”
I can still function on a bad day. I have no choice but to. However, bad days are much harder to get through. The thoughts feel like the worst possible thing in the world. It feels like there is no escape and that everything goes wrong in a matter of seconds. Yes, I am still smiling, but only so I don’t cry in front of everyone around me and end up hating myself and the day even more than I already do.
Please remember that everyone is dealing with their own struggles. Consideration and kindness goes a long way.