A letter to my mental illness
I’m not even sure where to start.
I still remember the first time I laid in bed all day, unable to move. I tried watching movies and TV shows. But I couldn’t even watch them because I couldn’t stay awake. Sleeping was easier, because at least that way, I couldn’t feel the terrifyingly numbness that I felt when I was awake.
I remember the first time I swallowed a whole packet of pills, in an effort to try and commit suicide. Boy, am I glad that I didn’t succeed. My life is incredible now compared to where I was back then. I remember trying to throw up those pills and feeling the burn against my throat.. that was when I instantly regretted what I just did. I knew that deep down, this isn’t what I wanted. I want to live, I just want to live a life without you, depression. And while I’m still not there yet, I won’t let you win.
You still make me feel miserable day by day. I wake up with constant panic for what the day brings. You know the feeling after a storm, where everything is dark and hazy? I wake up like this. Except, it isn’t the end of the storm for me. It’s only just the beginning.
I have a million thoughts race through my mind throughout the day. The only problem is that it’s worse when I’m in a relationship, because then I instantly think that one day, he’ll realise how fucked up I am, and he won’t want me anymore. I try my hardest to think positive, but I just don’t know how. For one positive thought, I have ten negative ones straight after.
I can’t win with you anxiety. You drain me to the point where I want to sleep for days at a time, yet you won’t let me sleep. I have nightmares almost every night.
I’m sick of waking up in the middle of the night, laying next to my boyfriend, and thinking you know what? He doesn’t deserve this. He doesn’t deserve waking up next to such a mess like me. Sometimes I think he would be better off without me.
I don’t even really know what to say to be honest. But dear anxiety, fuck you for ruining any chance I had at living a normal life.